I'm cross-posting this on my other blog because I've been absent from
both for weeks. You've probably been wondering where I am and the
honest answer is that I haven't really been anywhere. I've just been
avoiding blogging. I would say to myself, "I've read four books; I
should review them." Or, "This really great/weird/awful thing happened; I
should be blogging about this." Sometimes I would get as far as
actually sitting down at the computer but sometimes I wouldn't even do
that. I had lost all interest in doing anything productive and didn't
really care about blogging anymore. I was struggling to drag myself out
of bed. I was hiding the fact that all I wanted to do was cry from Don
and from myself. Finally, last week, I broke down. I admitted that I
needed help.
I admitted that I was depressed.
Don,
who I can now announce is my fiancé and not simply my boyfriend
anymore, has been wonderful. He metaphorically kicked my ass until I
agreed to see a therapist and even went with me the first day so that I
didn't have to wait alone. Everyday he tries to help me see past the
sadness, to try and overcome it. He tries so hard to inspire me to break
out of this and I love him for it. It is for him that I am posting this
today.
I am coming back to blogging. Even if I have to
physically force myself to sit down and type I am going to start
blogging again. Doing it means so much to me and my recent aversion to
it is nothing more than a sad, pathetic attempt to shut out the world
and to avoid doing anything meaningful. That might sound a little harsh,
but it's true. My depression has been robbing me of my concentration,
making it hard to focus, causing me to give up because "it's just too
hard." Allowing myself to be complacent, being an enabler to my own
feelings of failure, is letting the depression win.
I
am a strong person who has been through a lot. I am going to get over
this and I am not going to let it take something as wonderful as
blogging away from me. If you see that I've stopped blogging for a few
days, call me out on it. Send me e-mails (gabrielreads@gmail.com) or
leave comments for me to see. It's going to be a hard fight for me. This
is something I've struggled with for a while and that I thought I had
under control but it's become apparent that that isn't the case. I'm
doing all I can to take care of myself and to get better but a kick in
the butt from my loyal readers would do a world of good. :)
I
am committing to myself and to you all. I will be here blogging and
reading and ranting and posting. The depression isn't going to win. Not
by a long shot.
-Gabe
And for anyone who's curious, here's the ring:
Don
and I got engaged in October but had been keeping it quiet from his
friends and family until I could meet his mother on Thanksgiving. I
would have posted about it sooner but, well, you know. *sheepish grin*
In other news, looking at this picture, I have just realized that my fingers are even stubbier than I thought they were.
I feel you. Depression is a mother effing cow of a bitch. Ugh. It's sapped by enjoyment of blogging this year too.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself. Don't feel guilty if you can't blog. It's completely understandable.
How lovely that you have a supportive fiance - congratulations on that front!
If you ever need to talk you can email me stuckinabook at hotmail dot com.
I know what it's like to be engaged and anxious/depressed. It's not easy. I got married in May, I'm still struggling. Sending you hugs and support. xx
Thank you so much for your comment. I was worried about posting about this, but Don kept poking and prodding at me about it and I feel a bit better having gotten it out there. I think I tend to forget that there are others like me out there, especially given that depression can feel so solitary. Hearing from people who know what I'm going through and who are fighting their own fight helps me to realize that I'm not alone.
DeleteAnd thank you for your congratulations as well. Don is really something special. I like to think that the universe can be kind and it certainly was when it brought him into my life. I couldn't do this without him.
I had forgotten how anxious getting married can be. I was engaged once before to my high school sweetheart and back when we were still deluded that getting married to each other was a good thing we stressed out about stuff like flowers and cummerbunds. I'm really tempted to say screw it and just elope and then have a party for people when we can afford it.
If you ever need anything, let me know. :)
First, it's really brave/awesome that you're always so open and honest on this blog, and I really respect you for it.
ReplyDeleteSecond, congratulations on your new (ish) fiance and the fact that he sounds like the most supportive, fantastic dude so I wish you both the best with things to come.
I'll double what Belle said and just say that you should feel free to email me any time you want, about anything. At least until I work out the glitches in the "pocket Kayleigh" and I can send one over to you!
Aw, thanks. Sometimes I'll post something and then agonize about it for a while because I fear I may have been too open and honest. And then I remember that there's not enough honest in the world and I get over it. LOL
DeleteThanks! He *is* fantastic. I talk about him a lot in real life so I'll probably talk about him a lot on my blog as well. LOL. You'll probably get sick of hearing about him. :D
What sort of glitches are you talking about? Pocket Kayleigh isn't goose-stepping and talking about world domination anymore is she? I thought you'd finally ironed that out? LOL
First, congrats on the engagement! Exciting!
ReplyDeleteDepression is indeed a bitch. I completely know what you mean. It's great that you've put it out here like this. It kinda makes me feel all proud of you ;) I think it's a good thing to let people know what is going on. (It isn't anything to be ashamed for one thing!)
I'll be thinking of you and watching out for you. Stay strong chicky!
Thanks! I'm insanely happy about it. We've even come to a consensus on how we want the wedding to be, so there's a bit of stress off of my plate. :)
DeleteI've always been kind of ashamed of the fact that I go through pits of depression. I know that I shouldn't be, but sometimes I can't see past the stigma of it. Plus, it tends to leave me drained, lazy, and uninspired, which are three things that I hate being. But I've always tried to be honest and open on this blog (with very few exceptions) and I feel like it's better for me to get it all out there than for me to keep it inside. :)